Thank you so much for taking your time to read my story. I know how messy it sounds but it is my story. I am not carrying no shame with it as I hope you also find your strength in whatever your story holds. Okay so I was at being clean for 7 years and that was such an accomplishment I thought I did not feel like it was I was still so angry in so many ways. I still had this deep feeling of being lonely, and lost in a world that did not care. I made a promise to god the last time I tried to kill myself that if he let me live I would not try to take my own life ever again. I tried so hard to keep that promise but I was constantly thinking about it. I was so fed up with not feeling love like I should be and fed up with nothing really making me happy. I still had so many fears to face and I was always worrying still but hey I was clean.
So I decided to start reading the Bible but I was struggling to understand so I added a lot of spiritual, self help, mental illnesses , behavior, and testimonal books. While still reading the Bible. I started seeing some change in me but I was still struggling with forgiveness, facing my past, and accepting what happened to me in my life. So at this point I started praying and I was not sure if I was doing that right but pleading, confiding and crying on Gods shoulder started waking up something in me I had never known or felt before. I want to let you know this real quick I am not where I need to be but I am not at all where I was and I am currently walking in God’s strength on my path so I am not claiming to be perfect and I am not saying I know any of the answers but what I am telling you is out of my heart and mind and I have been also currently am being transformed by the glory of God.
I have now faced the realities of the things that happened in my life I finally have no anger or hatred toward no one who was in my life , I finally have stopped with living life full of fear and I find gratitude in everyday things and past things. After 24 yrs of being depressed and taking medication for it I have not felt depressed in 5 mos and medication free for a month. And love let me tell you I did not believe in love or the feeling after what I went through and I was sure I never would feel it again especially after my mom passed but I have an overflowing feeling in my heart that I can not even put into words. I have no desire to judge, hurt or say anything to bring any unhappiness to nobody and you know what I did not do this it was all from god and love of Jesus. I do not even have that voice in my head anymore that used to judge me there is just a calm sense of peace that I never really knew since my trauma started so early in my life. So I do give praise to the lord daily cause I know how my life was when I was not paying attention to him. I hope that something in my story can give you strength some how or maybe put wonder in your mind to know God , Jesus and the holy spirit. My live goes out to you to keep fighting for your healing and your freedom from the mess in this world. Til next time my friend! God bless us all